Today is my 31st birthday. It is amazing to me how God has changed my
life drastically over this past year. I
can truly say that the entire time I was 30, God was teaching me to die to my “self.”
Let me explain.
When I was 20 years old, God began showing me that turning 30
was going to be the “death of me.” (It's strange...I know) I
remember the first time God spoke this to me in my spirit. I was
devastated. As I analyzed what I was
feeling, I had came to the conclusion that I was going to die when I became 30
years old. This meant that I only had 10
years to live. How horrific!!! It didn't take long for the horror to go away and God gave me an indescribable peace
about what He had planned. I spent the
better part of 10 years coming to grips with the possible reality that I would
actually die when I turned 30. As my 30th
birthday approached in 2012, I anticipated it and wondered in anguish what was
actually going to happen. Even though it
was painful to even think about at times, I still had a washing of peace over
me about the whole thing.
“Maybe, I am not going
to die,” I told myself. Sometime during the spring (just a few months after
turning 30), I became increasingly restless. It made no sense to me. God was showing me that it was time for me to
move from our current place of ministry and I didn't want to go. Even though
there was no human rationale for leaving, I knew that God was moving me and my
family. After praying and talking things
through with my wife for a few months, we began to look into what move we should
make. By June of 2012, I was restlessly
searching for specific answers to where God would send us. Some days the anguish in my spirit was more
than I could bear. I browsed a few
opportunities to pastor at another church or to serve as a youth pastor again. Nothing seemed to settle right in my
heart. Nothing stopped the stirring in
my heart. Then one day my wife asked if
it was time for us to pursue serving as missionaries as we knew we had been led
to do for years, but had been waiting for the right time as God equipped us all
to go. Immediately, peace came over me again.
There was no doubt that God was very close to sending us to serve a
missionaries.
The Lord gradually confirmed to us that He was leading us to
Cambodia. We didn't know how or when,
but we didn't have to even ask about why God wanted us to go. We were compelled by the Spirit of God to
offer up ourselves for His service. It
made perfect sense to me for us to pick up and travel around the world to live
our lives in Cambodia so that God could use us for His kingdom work.
As we turned the corner and began to prepare to leave that
church, I felt miserable. I have never
been good with waiting. Once I know what
I am supposed to do, I always want to start doing it yesterday! This makes me a very cranky husband, father,
and friend. I felt utterly depressed in
the waiting. I tried everything that I could
to overcome it but I couldn't. I prayed
and asked God to strengthen me, but I remained weak and felt helpless. I agonized daily and through the night in my
restlessness. I always told my wife that
it was God stirring in me and telling us to GO, “That’s why I am restless!!” As
I look back on that time I now realize what God was doing in me. My misery was serving a very distinct
purpose. You see, it wasn't just a
matter of lying around and whining about waiting and timing and going NOW. It was much more amazing than that! It was a Luke 9:23-27 moment for me. God was making this scripture a reality in my
life.
Luke wrote, “And He (Jesus) was saying to
them all, ‘If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up
his cross daily and follow Me. For
whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My
sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the
whole world, and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, the
Son of Man will be ashamed of him when He comes in His glory, and the glory of
the Father and of the holy angels. But I
say to you truthfully, there are some of those standing here who will not taste
death until they see the kingdom of God.’”
During this waiting period, I was constantly researching
about Cambodia. I prayed for them with fervency
like I had never experienced before in my life.
God instilled a burden in me for the unreached people of this precious
kingdom. My research was exciting, and I
was continuously drawn to the more remote parts of Cambodia (Eastern Cambodia). Throughout months of research my heart felt
like it was in shreds. I have quite the reputation
for being highly analytical and I would analyze every detail about a variety of
aspects of how the Cambodians could be reached with the gospel of Jesus
Christ.
The most amazing reality about this waiting period for me was
what God was doing in my heart as He taught me about a kingdom that He
loves. All throughout my research, I was
learning about what it would cost me and my family. I don’t mean financial costs, I mean “life”
costs. The more I learned, the more I
was willing to lose. At the mention of
going, it made perfect sense to move to the other side of the globe with my
whole family in order to tell them about Jesus.
As I learned about the living conditions, the spiritual darkness, and
the religions of their culture I knew that God wanted us to go to tell them the
truth of God’s word. My heart was open. My heart was changing. I was dying every day so that Christ could
live in me. I thought about the distance
from friends and family and church family.
I thought about sickness and maybe even the possibility of spending the
rest of our lives in a foreign land. I
even wrestled with the idea of losing my own life or the lives of one of my
family members while there in Cambodia. To sum it all up, the “death of me” meant
counting the cost of losing everything for the sake of advancing the gospel of
Jesus Christ in a land where less than 2% of over 14 million people do not know
Jesus Christ.
And so the waiting is over…right? Nope! We will be waiting
for at least another year before we depart for Cambodia. I am certain that the Lord has many more
things to teach me in this next season of waiting. My heart is still open and ready to be
obedient. I will surrender everything so
that Christ may live in me. The song “While
I’m Waiting” has become a great encouragement to me and an expression of my
heart as I wait.
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
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